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I was eating some pickle bologna and crackers and watching re-runs of “Hee Haw” when I was disturbed by my phone. Normally, it’s easier to get the president on the phone than me, however, like a fool, I answered it. The guy on the phone said he was from the Social Security Administration, and my number had been breached. He asked me to give my social security number. Hmm, if you’re from the Social Security Agency, shouldn’t you know my number? With a push of a button, I ended the conversation and went about my business.

I began to drift off for a nap. Just then, the phone again rang. In my mindless state, I answered it. This is twice in one day that I made this mistake. This time, the guy on the phone said that I won $1 million, and if I sent him a check for $500 for fees, he would rush the prize right out. I told the scammer to take the 500 out of the million I just won and send me the rest. I even told him to keep a thousand out for himself and buy something pretty. My request was met with a click, and just like that he was gone.

With a nap now only wishful thinking, I began to ponder who these people are that try to scam us. Somebody must be falling for it, or they wouldn’t be doing it. I realized that many things in our everyday life are scams as well. For example, can anyone tell me why printer ink is so expensive? All I’m buying is ink. I didn’t know it was made of gold. I can buy 10 ink pens for 50 cents at the dollar store. What makes printer ink so special?

I think tipping is one of the biggest scams going. I realize that tipping is part of eating out. However, how about paying your workers a decent wage instead of expecting me to pick up the cost. What’s worse is that it seems everyone is expecting tips these days whether they do anything or not. I don’t think so, Sparky. Should I tell my mechanic, “Thanks for not screwing up my car, here’s some extra money?” I can tell the doctor, “Thanks, Doc, for not accidentally removing my liver instead of my appendix. Let me pay you even more money for doing your job.” Absolutely ridiculous. I made a call-in order yesterday and the clerk was mean mugging me when I marked zero under tip. If she thinks I’m tipping her for literally handing me a bag, boy, does she have the wrong guy.

One of the worst scams is dealing with the IRS. The IRS knows exactly how much money I make. They know what I owe and what my refund is and yet we go through this charade every year where they make me figure it out myself. Not cool.

I believe that school pictures are a huge scam as well. They take pictures that I didn’t ask for and then try to guilt me into paying a war price for them. I’ll take my own pics where my child actually combed his hair.

One of the scams I just discovered is the dishwasher. Talk about high maintenance. I recently learned that you can’t just throw dishes in, and they come out clean. No, that would be too easy. I learned that the dishes must be, “pre-washed” and placed a certain way to get clean. By the time I do that, I could have just washed them the old-fashioned way. I learned the hard way that the machine takes special soap, as well. Evidently, you can’t just squirt Dawn dish liquid in there and walk away. Lesson learned.

What a scam.